Scar tissue

I feel lonely.
On the outside... I have nothing to complain about. 
I have settled into my new life in Phoenix with Menthol Man. I have begun to look for a job and familiarize myself with the city.

But there is an emptiness in my life...
I have forgiven Menthol Man but my forgiveness has not erased my pain and insecurities.
They tell me that once you reconcile a relationship you must forgive everything that has happened (or what is the point?).
But how do I let go?
How do I move on?

I suspect that won't happen until he is completely over "her".
He does not speak of her and even when I bring her up, he is quick to stop--because he knows the pain it causes me.
But she is a ghost between us, a ghost that does not allow me to love him as I once did, or trust him as I wish I could.

Ultimately, all I want is for both of us to be happy and at peace.
I tell myself that it has only been three days since we arrived in Phoenix, since things have settled down, and I want for too much too soon.
There is a part of me that knows if we are given the time, space, and grace from God--we can fall in love again.
That this marriage can survive... and perhaps become stronger and better...if I am able to be patient and trust God.

There was a time when I believed that we would always be together.
That he would always be my love.
Deeply tucked in my heart, I still believe it.
He is still my love.

But my scar tissue is thick and there is a big part of me that just wants to run away.
That does not want to be hurt again.
That is not quite sure that I am brave enough to try to restore my marriage.
To fight for my marriage and my love.

But then I think to myself, what choice do I have?
I love him and that in itself makes it so that I have no choice but to try.
To hope.
To trust that regardless of what happens--I will be strong enough to bear it.

Menthol Man asked me why I didn't fight for us.
Why I walked away all those months ago... (obviously it is more complicated than that, but that question does go to the much of the heart of the situation).

But this time, I will fight for us.
I will fight until there is no love between us... if that day is destined to come to pass.

But Lord, have mercy on me, because I am so very weary... and so very tired.