I forgot.

I knew this was going to be hard.
I forgot how hard missing you could be.
Wanting to taste your kiss, feel your arms, watch your chest rise and sink...

I forgot how hard missing you could be.

I forgot how to fill my life without you... or maybe I forgot how full my life was with you.
I wish I had never experienced the weight of your arm on my stomach as we slept intertwined.
I wish I had never experienced the brush of your lips on my forehead as you thought I slept...
I wish I had never remembered what it felt like to have you look into my eyes and tell me, "I love you."
I wish I hadn't been reminded of what it felt like to watch you walk away... and to remember that my love was never enough.

So now here I am... running hard and fast--trying to put distance between you, your memory, and me.
The pain I feel now is not as it was.
It is not intense and overwhelming.
Instead it is calm, quiet, and hollowing.
It reminds me constantly that you are not near, that you do not love me... enough.
But I also tell myself that despite any desire I might have had, perhaps, you were never meant to be mine.
And to hold onto something that was never mine is unnatural.
Letting go takes time, it takes effort, it takes release....
I know it won't happen over night.
But I am no longer willing to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto.
I am no longer willing to hope for someone who doesn't have hope.
I am no longer willing to be Menthol Man's soft place to land.

Now, I need to be my own soft place to land.
Now, I need to hold onto myself.
Now, I need to heal... because despite it all--I know in my heart that all this pain and grief has a reason to it even if I can't see it right now.
And the one thing I know for sure is that I will love again.
And someday I will find the one who was always mine.