Put me back together... stitch by stitch.

He comes back tomorrow.

The last time I saw him I thought it would be for the very last time.
It killed me to watch him walk away when just hours before I had begged for him to stay.

And now, I am to go to that same airport... and welcome him home as a wife and lover.
Not a heartbroken and abandoned wife--

...and I don't know how.

I don't know how to let go of the past.
All of my insecurities, hurt, and fears have been healing... but they aren't anywhere near being healed.
I would be lying if I didn't say I was petrified of being hurt by him again.

I loved him the only way I knew how.
Completely.
Without any reservations.
Without any conditions.
I loved the man he was.
I loved the man he had become.
And I loved the man who I saw glimmers of him becoming.


That is the only way I know how to love.


But I can't love him like that now.
I don't know if I ever will.
He thinks I will.
But he always just thinks about himself and his heartache.
I am not saying that he isn't aware of how I feel... or how I felt.
But he doesn't think about what he has really done to me.
Or what trying to work this out is costing me.

So why do I do it?
Why bother?
I don't know.
Because I loved him so much.
And I don't know how to walk away... at least not yet.

I want to love him again.
I want to be loved by him again.

I saw the death of our marriage, hopes, and our dreams for the future.
I saw the death of our children that I thought would never come to pass.

Now, I pray for a resurrection.
And if that isn't to happen... then I pray that my heart will find a way to let go over the next 365 days.