Do you know what your fate is?

I am not certain I will ever be able to forgive him.
I always knew when we got married that if Menthol Man ever stepped outside of our marriage... it would have to be over for me.
I know myself well enough to know that even if I wanted to forgive him, I may not ever be able to.
And why waste more time and create more heartache?

So now, the one place I never wanted to be is the one place I am living.

This is not what I wanted for myself.
(Nor for him.)
I never wanted to be in a marriage where I had images of my husband with another woman.
Loving her.
Making love to her.
Crying over her.
Begging and pleading for her love.
Being heartbroken over her.


All the while I was so broken for him.

And now, "...[he's] back from outer space..." asking for another chance.
I knew, I couldn't say no.
I would wonder "...what if" for the rest of my life.
But I also don't know if I can ever forgive him.
Or... maybe more accurately, move on.

The ironic thing is he never asked me to forgive him.
He has never once took me by the face and said, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I love you. Choose me. Choose our life. Forgive me."


How do you try to forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness.
Who is still heartbroken over the other girl?
How do you not feel like you're second place?

But how do you walk away?

I just tell myself that at the end of the 365 days things will either be better or they won't.
I will either want to be in this or I won't.

I just hope that this isn't going to cost me more than I am willing to pay.

...when I think about all of these things--there is a part of me that just wants to go back.
Back before he asked me to work on our marriage.
Back when I had a bright future in front of me... when I believed there was this amazing man out there waiting for me.
Who would love the shit out of me.
Who I wouldn't be "second place" to.

Who couldn't live without me.
Someone who would be broken if I was ever not in his life.

And now I am afraid I will never get that chance.
That I will never find him.
Because how can Menthol Man be that man after everything he has put me through?

Did I fall in love with the wrong man?