So I pray.

I find myself struggling with his relationship with her more than I ever had before.
I tell myself that much of it is my hormones.
Pregnancy is already a time of emotional roller coasters and mood swings...but now those emotional roller coasters are fueled by a deep hurt and betrayal.

What I do know is that I have forgiven him for what has happened.
It did not happen by my own will but rather through God's good grace. 
Yet all that forgiveness has given me is leave to not be angry.


And I'm not.
But it still hurts.

Before, when we were separated all I had to do was let go and move on.
I didn't have to like it, I didn't have to work through it, I just had to relegate him to my memory and move foward.
But now that I am trying to rebuild a life with him that is no longer an option. At least a healthy and viable one.

I have to deal with the feelings sadness, betrayal, fear...

And I carry around a lot of fear nowadays.

When I moved down to Arizona there was a large part of me that didn't think I would be down here for too long.
I thought I would come down here and see for myself that our marriage was truly over.
I knew that if I landed on my face and heartbroken again-I would bear it and grow from it. Just like I did the first time.
Eventually I would be okay and there would no longer be any doubts.

But now, there is this hope that has blossomed within me--hope that maybe all is not lost.
But with that hope comes a crippling fear.

I am scared that he will leave me (and our child) again.
I am scared that he will never love me the way he should again.
I am scared that he will never get over her.
I am scared.

At the end of the day if the worst case scenario happens---I know that I will be heartbroken (all over again) but I also know that I will still heal.
That God still holds me and my life in his hands and that is the safest place for it.

So why do I do all of this?
Why do I hold on in the face of all of this fear?

Because I never stopped loving him.
I made vows before God and I meant them.
And love will hold on until it can't anymore.
So I am still holding on.

I try to remind myself that how I feel now won't be how I will always feel. 
And I know in my heart to leave this marriage would be wrong.

I think to myself -- what if I did leave and got married a second time and suffered something just as traumatizing in that marriage and had to work through forgiveness, love, trust, and moving on.

So why not hang on and do it now in this marriage--with this man that I love--that I still want to spend the rest of my life with.

So I pray (often) that God will do the rest of the work for me.
That He will heal my heart, heal my husband, and heal our marriage.
Because I am incapable of doing it myself.

Dreams for my life

Since last January I haven't really considered what I want my life to look like in the long run.
When I moved out of the home I shared with Menthol Man I could no longer think about the past (it hurt too much) or the future (that was so uncertain)... so I lived only in the present.
I had gone back to school and lived the life of a carefree single girl.
My life revolved around my own desires and my own solitary life.

But now being with Menthol Man for the last couple of months I find myself wondering, ultimately, what do I want for my life?

I fell in love with my life as a single girl.
Yes, my heart was still broken then but I loved the feeling of freedom.
I felt like I was blossoming into a woman I was always meant to be.
A woman I couldn't quite find or be as a wife.

But being that woman in exchange for being alone for the rest of my life is not what I want.
There has to be a balance.

I want a home...filled with a loving marriage and children.

When I am skyping with my Red and I watch her son, P (who I have been in love with since he was born) running around in the background chasing their golden retriever I find a deep yearning for that life.
I love that she has a husband who adores her, who will be home after work, who will share a dinner and evening with her.

A love she has built a real life with.


I miss that feeling and that life.
Menthol Man and I use to have a home like that in each other but that home was lost almost two years ago.
I have been alone for so long.

Yet.
I find hope that even though I don't know what the future may hold, or truly, who the future will hold...I just know that I will have that again someday.
I will not settle for less.
I will not give up on my future.
Or on a love that will last me my entire life.

This journey of my twenties has been difficult.
It has been filled with love, broken hearts, and an uncertain marriage...but it has made me realize fundamental truths about myself.

That I am strong.
I am resilient.
And that I am the kind of woman who when she loves, she loves with no holds barred.
And that is where much of my true strength lies.
But the bulk of my strength has always been because of God's grace.
It truly isn't my own strength but His that sees me through times of struggle and despair.

I know that someday I will be loved like that in return.

I have so little hope nowadays, my heart is burdened and heavy...
I have lost sight of the endgame.

But today I realized with a little help from my Red, MIL, and God...I realized that my life will not always be like this.

God has my life in the palm of His hand.
He never promised it would be easy but I now have renewed faith that eventually these dark days will end.

Eventually I will find my way out of the dark and the way back to a life filled with light and love.

The beautiful beautiful life I so yearn for.

"Things aren't nice anymore."

Dear God,

I feel like there is no one who understands what I am going through.
I try to put my feelings into pretty little words but it never seems like its enough.

I don't know how to help him God.
I don't know how to bring him back from the abyss.

I am so painfully aware of my own inadequacy and there is a part of me that knows I can't save him.
Only You can.
But I would be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I am not sure that will ever happen.
You can only heal a willing heart.
And Lord, he is so lost, I don't think he even wants to be healed.

I know my prayers are heard Lord.
I know You are here, with us, every step of the way.
But I still can't help but feel so incredibly alone.

Despite my doubt Lord.... please, save us.

Isolation.

I am tired of not having a job.
I am tired of not having a phone.
I am tired of not having a car.

I am tired of missing my old life.

I feel like I have nothing now...
I am just passing time... waiting for the next day to come.
And the next...
And the next...
Which is insane... because every day is the same.

I resent him.
Resent that I had to give up everything and other than his half love, I have nothing.

I find myself slipping...

This is not what I wanted.
This is not how I imagined my life to be.

I feel like I am going crazy.

Even though without him, I was heartbroken...
I was also alive.
I had purpose.
I had a plan.
I had a passion for my life.

Yes, I cried.
I felt like dying some nights as I laid in the dark...
I missed him so violently I thought I would never feel the release of that emotion...

But I feel like I have traded pain for... discontent.

A feeling of my life wasted... or at the very least--a month of my life wasted.

I feel holed up and isolated.
God, rescue me, break me out.

Can I not have him for the rest of my life and still have a life?

I wake up to ashes before dawn...

I woke up right before dawn arrived--and I laid there seeped in sorrow.
See, my love, I had this dream you loved me again.
(Not this half love you feed me with now.)

I forgot what it felt like to be loved that way by you.

I let that feeling slip from my memory... I let it disappear so I could survive the loss of you.
I cannot put into words the deep sorrow that chased my blood when I woke.

I was not alone in bed.
You were there.
But I had never felt so alone before.

I died.
Again.

But now, there is a keening wail that is taking up in me.
It is a song of sorrow and loss...
And it's making me wonder, my love, if I'd rather be alone that live with the ashes of what use to be.

Our love is not a Phoenix.

It will not rise again from the dead.
No matter how hard I may pray for it to do so.

Scar tissue

I feel lonely.
On the outside... I have nothing to complain about. 
I have settled into my new life in Phoenix with Menthol Man. I have begun to look for a job and familiarize myself with the city.

But there is an emptiness in my life...
I have forgiven Menthol Man but my forgiveness has not erased my pain and insecurities.
They tell me that once you reconcile a relationship you must forgive everything that has happened (or what is the point?).
But how do I let go?
How do I move on?

I suspect that won't happen until he is completely over "her".
He does not speak of her and even when I bring her up, he is quick to stop--because he knows the pain it causes me.
But she is a ghost between us, a ghost that does not allow me to love him as I once did, or trust him as I wish I could.

Ultimately, all I want is for both of us to be happy and at peace.
I tell myself that it has only been three days since we arrived in Phoenix, since things have settled down, and I want for too much too soon.
There is a part of me that knows if we are given the time, space, and grace from God--we can fall in love again.
That this marriage can survive... and perhaps become stronger and better...if I am able to be patient and trust God.

There was a time when I believed that we would always be together.
That he would always be my love.
Deeply tucked in my heart, I still believe it.
He is still my love.

But my scar tissue is thick and there is a big part of me that just wants to run away.
That does not want to be hurt again.
That is not quite sure that I am brave enough to try to restore my marriage.
To fight for my marriage and my love.

But then I think to myself, what choice do I have?
I love him and that in itself makes it so that I have no choice but to try.
To hope.
To trust that regardless of what happens--I will be strong enough to bear it.

Menthol Man asked me why I didn't fight for us.
Why I walked away all those months ago... (obviously it is more complicated than that, but that question does go to the much of the heart of the situation).

But this time, I will fight for us.
I will fight until there is no love between us... if that day is destined to come to pass.

But Lord, have mercy on me, because I am so very weary... and so very tired.

Put me back together... stitch by stitch.

He comes back tomorrow.

The last time I saw him I thought it would be for the very last time.
It killed me to watch him walk away when just hours before I had begged for him to stay.

And now, I am to go to that same airport... and welcome him home as a wife and lover.
Not a heartbroken and abandoned wife--

...and I don't know how.

I don't know how to let go of the past.
All of my insecurities, hurt, and fears have been healing... but they aren't anywhere near being healed.
I would be lying if I didn't say I was petrified of being hurt by him again.

I loved him the only way I knew how.
Completely.
Without any reservations.
Without any conditions.
I loved the man he was.
I loved the man he had become.
And I loved the man who I saw glimmers of him becoming.


That is the only way I know how to love.


But I can't love him like that now.
I don't know if I ever will.
He thinks I will.
But he always just thinks about himself and his heartache.
I am not saying that he isn't aware of how I feel... or how I felt.
But he doesn't think about what he has really done to me.
Or what trying to work this out is costing me.

So why do I do it?
Why bother?
I don't know.
Because I loved him so much.
And I don't know how to walk away... at least not yet.

I want to love him again.
I want to be loved by him again.

I saw the death of our marriage, hopes, and our dreams for the future.
I saw the death of our children that I thought would never come to pass.

Now, I pray for a resurrection.
And if that isn't to happen... then I pray that my heart will find a way to let go over the next 365 days.