Exhausting

Anna told me that I am "guarding."

In other words, I am constantly being viligant.
I am not letting myself relax or feel anything for fear of the weight of it crushing me.
So I stay up past exhaustion.
I make myself eat the bare minimum.
I am constantly keeping my mind going, so it can't relax and just feel things.
I dread the minutes or hours I have to be alone with no one to distract me.

My thoughts are consumed with this devastation but purely on an intellectual level. My heart and soul have checked out of the situation.

I can't afford to drown like I did before.
I have to stay upbeat and moving forward for Coraline.

I don't want this transition to be any harder on her than it already is.

But I feel like this tightly leashed control I have is fragile.
Like at any moment I will dissolve into tears and heartbreak.