Dreams for my life

Since last January I haven't really considered what I want my life to look like in the long run.
When I moved out of the home I shared with Menthol Man I could no longer think about the past (it hurt too much) or the future (that was so uncertain)... so I lived only in the present.
I had gone back to school and lived the life of a carefree single girl.
My life revolved around my own desires and my own solitary life.

But now being with Menthol Man for the last couple of months I find myself wondering, ultimately, what do I want for my life?

I fell in love with my life as a single girl.
Yes, my heart was still broken then but I loved the feeling of freedom.
I felt like I was blossoming into a woman I was always meant to be.
A woman I couldn't quite find or be as a wife.

But being that woman in exchange for being alone for the rest of my life is not what I want.
There has to be a balance.

I want a home...filled with a loving marriage and children.

When I am skyping with my Red and I watch her son, P (who I have been in love with since he was born) running around in the background chasing their golden retriever I find a deep yearning for that life.
I love that she has a husband who adores her, who will be home after work, who will share a dinner and evening with her.

A love she has built a real life with.


I miss that feeling and that life.
Menthol Man and I use to have a home like that in each other but that home was lost almost two years ago.
I have been alone for so long.

Yet.
I find hope that even though I don't know what the future may hold, or truly, who the future will hold...I just know that I will have that again someday.
I will not settle for less.
I will not give up on my future.
Or on a love that will last me my entire life.

This journey of my twenties has been difficult.
It has been filled with love, broken hearts, and an uncertain marriage...but it has made me realize fundamental truths about myself.

That I am strong.
I am resilient.
And that I am the kind of woman who when she loves, she loves with no holds barred.
And that is where much of my true strength lies.
But the bulk of my strength has always been because of God's grace.
It truly isn't my own strength but His that sees me through times of struggle and despair.

I know that someday I will be loved like that in return.

I have so little hope nowadays, my heart is burdened and heavy...
I have lost sight of the endgame.

But today I realized with a little help from my Red, MIL, and God...I realized that my life will not always be like this.

God has my life in the palm of His hand.
He never promised it would be easy but I now have renewed faith that eventually these dark days will end.

Eventually I will find my way out of the dark and the way back to a life filled with light and love.

The beautiful beautiful life I so yearn for.

"Things aren't nice anymore."

Dear God,

I feel like there is no one who understands what I am going through.
I try to put my feelings into pretty little words but it never seems like its enough.

I don't know how to help him God.
I don't know how to bring him back from the abyss.

I am so painfully aware of my own inadequacy and there is a part of me that knows I can't save him.
Only You can.
But I would be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I am not sure that will ever happen.
You can only heal a willing heart.
And Lord, he is so lost, I don't think he even wants to be healed.

I know my prayers are heard Lord.
I know You are here, with us, every step of the way.
But I still can't help but feel so incredibly alone.

Despite my doubt Lord.... please, save us.

Isolation.

I am tired of not having a job.
I am tired of not having a phone.
I am tired of not having a car.

I am tired of missing my old life.

I feel like I have nothing now...
I am just passing time... waiting for the next day to come.
And the next...
And the next...
Which is insane... because every day is the same.

I resent him.
Resent that I had to give up everything and other than his half love, I have nothing.

I find myself slipping...

This is not what I wanted.
This is not how I imagined my life to be.

I feel like I am going crazy.

Even though without him, I was heartbroken...
I was also alive.
I had purpose.
I had a plan.
I had a passion for my life.

Yes, I cried.
I felt like dying some nights as I laid in the dark...
I missed him so violently I thought I would never feel the release of that emotion...

But I feel like I have traded pain for... discontent.

A feeling of my life wasted... or at the very least--a month of my life wasted.

I feel holed up and isolated.
God, rescue me, break me out.

Can I not have him for the rest of my life and still have a life?

I wake up to ashes before dawn...

I woke up right before dawn arrived--and I laid there seeped in sorrow.
See, my love, I had this dream you loved me again.
(Not this half love you feed me with now.)

I forgot what it felt like to be loved that way by you.

I let that feeling slip from my memory... I let it disappear so I could survive the loss of you.
I cannot put into words the deep sorrow that chased my blood when I woke.

I was not alone in bed.
You were there.
But I had never felt so alone before.

I died.
Again.

But now, there is a keening wail that is taking up in me.
It is a song of sorrow and loss...
And it's making me wonder, my love, if I'd rather be alone that live with the ashes of what use to be.

Our love is not a Phoenix.

It will not rise again from the dead.
No matter how hard I may pray for it to do so.