I find myself struggling with his relationship with her more than I ever had before.
I tell myself that much of it is my hormones.
Pregnancy is already a time of emotional roller coasters and mood swings...but now those emotional roller coasters are fueled by a deep hurt and betrayal.
What I do know is that I have forgiven him for what has happened.
It did not happen by my own will but rather through God's good grace.
Yet all that forgiveness has given me is leave to not be angry.
And I'm not.
But it still hurts.
Before, when we were separated all I had to do was let go and move on.
I didn't have to like it, I didn't have to work through it, I just had to relegate him to my memory and move foward.
But now that I am trying to rebuild a life with him that is no longer an option. At least a healthy and viable one.
I have to deal with the feelings sadness, betrayal, fear...
And I carry around a lot of fear nowadays.
When I moved down to Arizona there was a large part of me that didn't think I would be down here for too long.
I thought I would come down here and see for myself that our marriage was truly over.
I knew that if I landed on my face and heartbroken again-I would bear it and grow from it. Just like I did the first time.
Eventually I would be okay and there would no longer be any doubts.
But now, there is this hope that has blossomed within me--hope that maybe all is not lost.
But with that hope comes a crippling fear.
I am scared that he will leave me (and our child) again.
I am scared that he will never love me the way he should again.
I am scared that he will never get over her.
I am scared.
At the end of the day if the worst case scenario happens---I know that I will be heartbroken (all over again) but I also know that I will still heal.
That God still holds me and my life in his hands and that is the safest place for it.
So why do I do all of this?
Why do I hold on in the face of all of this fear?
Because I never stopped loving him.
I made vows before God and I meant them.
And love will hold on until it can't anymore.
So I am still holding on.
I try to remind myself that how I feel now won't be how I will always feel.
And I know in my heart to leave this marriage would be wrong.
I think to myself -- what if I did leave and got married a second time and suffered something just as traumatizing in that marriage and had to work through forgiveness, love, trust, and moving on.
So why not hang on and do it now in this marriage--with this man that I love--that I still want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I pray (often) that God will do the rest of the work for me.
That He will heal my heart, heal my husband, and heal our marriage.
Because I am incapable of doing it myself.
